Anxiety: The Struggle

Before dental school, I don't think I really understood what "anxiety" was; and since I'm very much an all-or-nothing type of person, my anxiety unsurprisingly presented the same way. My first anxiety attack was when I was on the clinical floors during the start of my third year in dental school; I was going through an emotionally draining mess, my dad had his first series of ischemic strokes, and as a result, I was struggling with my dental board exam. The dental school part was enough pressure in itself, but it seemed like every aspect of my life that I recognized was falling apart. I know what you're thinking, "Any sane person would've cracked." I know, I know; trust me, I'm not ashamed of it. However, I didn't understand the tightening in my chest that day, or why I felt like I was breathing in oxygen through punctured lungs. I definitely didn't know how to control it either. If you know me, you know I do not publicly cry or fret. Showing vulnerability has never been my forte (I'm working on it though). So what did I do that day? I wrapped up with my patient and walked off the floor into the stairwell that not many people commonly used and I stood against the door, trying to catch my breath and calm down. A few minutes later, before my absence was noticed, I walked back on the floor. This happened quite a few times. It got worse during heightened emotional grief, especially when I was sitting privately in my own home. The anxiety attacks did not knock first, they never had a pattern to pinpoint, they didn't care what time it was or where I was at or what I was doing. They came with no sense of compassion; they didn't care that I had an exam to focus on or that I needed sleep; they came around as they pleased with no welcoming invitation.

Not many people know this either (Remember, vulnerability is not my thing), but I began seeing a school counselor. It's quite ironic how I even stumbled in her office. I was looking for the tutoring center on campus and for some odd reason, I had the impression that this person was in charge of that department. After I explained to her what I was looking for, she asked me if I would be willing to just come in and talk to her once. When you're put on the spot, it's kind of hard to say "No," so I reluctantly agreed. This was one of those moments where the universe was working in my favor and I didn't even know it. It turns out I didn't really need a tutor but I did need to accidentally walk into that office. That was one of the most characteristic-altering things to happen to me. For two years, I continued to see my school counselor on a weekly basis. The topics we discussed ranged from the most mindless moments of my days to the most gut wrenching. The underlying issue that we discovered together was that my anxiety was a common denominator to a lot of stresses in my life. See, I guess I never realized I had anxiety because I thrive under pressure but this had nothing to do with working under pressure. What I discovered on my own was that my anxiety was solely caused by loss of control. Yes, I am a control freak. I am a planner. I am resilient and stubborn in my ways. I've never really understood how to just accept things for what they are. I always believed that fate was in my control and that was a very arrogant and debilitating approach to life. So you can only imagine that when life came tumbling down and I could't stop it, I couldn't stop my dad's strokes or how they affected my family, I couldn't stop the possibility of failing in my career, I couldn't stop a lot of things so that loss of control broke me.

It took that many boulders resting on my shoulders for me to slow down & recognize that I was suffering from anxiety. From then on, I worked tirelessly on how to deal with it, how to control it so that it wouldn't control me, wouldn't control my performances, or alter my life more than it already has in the past. I also began to recognize how many people in my life also deal with anxiety. It's humbling to have gone through an experience that allows me to create a ripple effect in helping others deal with what I dealt and still continue to deal with. I can only speak my story, but the biggest thing is recognizing the loss of control and accepting it for what it is. In the midst of the attacks, I have to mentally ask myself, "What's the very worst outcome of this and how permanent or life altering can it really be?" Yes, those are big questions but they make situations seem really small. The reality is, with a few exceptions, life rolls on insignificantly unaltered. That recognition is the way I take those deep breaths, silence the irrational thoughts, and calm a racing heart. When I couldn't reason out of my anxiety with questions, I turned to writing for clarity; C Day Lewis put it quite simply, "We do not write to be understood, we write in order to understand." There's something about the exercise of writing that allows me declutter and slowly digest. In doing so, I'm able to slow things down and reason with them. Finally, when all else fails, I turn to my family and friends- the ones who don't try to minimize my problem, but help me through it, the ones who acknowledge that it is okay to feel how I feel, not disregard it.

The truth is, I still get anxiety attacks. They're not as common as they used to be by any means, but they still come around like unwelcome ghosts. In the past few years, they've come when things with my patients derail back-to-back in a short period of time (Seriously, guys, why do you wait until December to use your dental benefits?!), they've come when I've felt "bullied" by someone at work especially when I was a new grad, they've come when I felt my dad regressing, or when my heart painfully echoes louder than my willpower, they still come when I can't prevent things from happening to people I love or when I can't predict the outcome of a situation long-term. They come when I'm daring-to-dream and take on risks that seem bigger than myself. However, they aren't as debilitating as they once were and they don't last as long. Now, I let my anxiety come without giving push-back. Instead, I let it serve as a reminder to be kind to myself, to accept that there is beauty in the unknown, to trust that life will work itself out. I let it humbly bring me back to earth, knowing that some things are simply out of my hand.

To anyone reading this who suffers with anxiety, you're not alone. Whatever it is triggering it, just remember, that too, shall pass.